Marriage Matters

A note, preface, and caveat: I've purposefully avoided posts about the permanence and the meaning of marriage, knowing that I have many friends who have strong, heartfelt feelings on many sides of the social/political discussions around "marriage" and civil partnership at this point in history. I post this not as part of those discussions, but as part of a narrower discussion around the institution of marriage between a man and a woman.

In addition, as I note below, I note that there are real and valid reasons that some marriages come to an end - or may never have really begun in the first places. I'm not throwing stones at any that have... I'm merely writing to the ideal, knowing that every situation is unique, deeply personal, and the result of deep discernment and relationships between man, woman, and God alone.

Our wedding

While we were preparing for our marriage, one of the things that meant the most to me was a discussion Suzanne and I had about the good and bad times we had witnessed our parents go through, and how their example of love and commitment to marriage through the "thick and thin" was something that had impacted both of us. We were both approaching our marriage with the mindset that it would be forever, and that we had no inkling that ending our marriage would ever be an option.

I imagine that the vast majority of couples approach marriage with that mindset - even some who end up leaving their marriage later in life.

Acknowledging that there are very valid reasons that marriages end (more accurately, that they could be said to have never actually begun), we believe that our commitment is for life. The feeling in this regard is mutual, and our commitment to each other is the same today as it was then, and will God-willing be the same in 40 or 50 or 60 years.

That said, there has been a real and frightening trend away from both the permanence and the sacredness of marriage in our world.

To quote some statistics from a recent study published by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, highlighted in "The First Vocation Crisis", a special report in Catholic World Report:

The article also calls out the drastic declines in sacramental marriage in the U.S. in the same decades.

As an initial response to this phenomenon as observed in recent years, the U.S. Bishops have issued a fantastic pastoral statement, "Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan" (PDF file). It should required reading for all couples preparing for the Sacrament of Marriage, in my humble opinion.

Which brings us to marriage preparation. While some might look at the statistics and suggest that the Church should make it easier to enter into a marriage in the Church, at least one diocese - the Diocese of Phoenix - is raising the bar.

Here's the bar as it's been raised in Phoenix:

• Nine months of pre-marriage preparation time instead of six. Several methods of preparation will remain available, including intensive weekend sessions or a series of weeknight meetings, but the time will be lengthened.
• A full course in Natural Family Planning, a type of family planning that does not use artificial forms of birth control. The church opposes use of contraceptives, from condoms to pills.
• More comprehensive courses on practical skills and the theology of marriage

Kudos to the Bishop Olmstead and the Diocese of Phoenix for providing the time for the couple to learn and to discern together before they walk down the aisle.

In an August interview, Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York discussed the four greatest challenges he believes the Church in the United States is facing today. First on his list was the state of marriage.

“That’s where we have the real vocation crisis,” he said. “We have a vocation crisis to lifelong, life-giving, loving, faithful marriage. If we take care of that one, we’ll have all the priests and nuns we need for the Church.”

Amen. Here's to that observation, Archbishop Dolan.

That's what we need to prepare our young couples for, and ensure that they're equipped to build - as well as we can help as a community of faith.

It was almost two years ago, in Peoria at a reception celebrating the ordination of my childhood friend, Father Robert Lampitt, to the priesthood, when his mother made quite an observation. She noted that out of the 100 or so people at the reception, 30 or so were kids, and of those, probably 25 were boys. And she hypothesized that God was going to provide the next generation of priests (what will all those boys do with so few girls?) in this little sample of active, "lifelong, life-giving, loving, faithful" domestic churches.

It has always frustrated me that so many Catholics consider praying the Prayer for Vocations as  their way to be "working for vocations." The prayer is good and important, but there's work to do too. And the work that needs to be done is in the nest where vocations are formed in young men and women from the youngest ages. By moms and dads who are faithful to their promise and to the vocation to which they were called.

Marriage preparation, of course, isn't the only answer. Strong marriage prep is just one part of what the identity of "church" really needs to be. A community of faith supports and strengthens its own as well... and should make every effort to strengthen and support husbands and wives through their lives, through highs and lows.

We're blessed that our parish offers that, through activities and through the friendships with have with fellow parishioners. In fact, it's a big part of why we are so active at Holy Family. Our parish really is a significant part of our "extended family," and living up to our marriage vows is even more important to us because of the examples of faithfulness that we see around us in the parish.

Prayer for one another, awareness, discernment, and preparation, and ongoing community and support. All ways that we can work together as Church to strengthen and support marriage.

As the late Pope John Paul II said, "The future of humanity passes by way of the family." Solve one vocation problem - the one in the domestic church - and the other vocation problem will solve itself.

DON'T FORGET!

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Related posts:

1. Happy National Vocation Awareness Week
2. Marriage & Manhood: A Man Shall Cling
3. Gladness, Meet Hunger
4. The family, economic life and work
5. 5 Blissful Years